Friday, 24 December 2010

The One with the Alternative Christmas Message

It's been quite a week! So firstly sorry I've been neglecting you all. When things straighten out in the New year please look forward to many blogs on the trials of credit card fraud, upset tums, squity bums, hubbies flu and for god sake please will someone tell me where to take my son's poo sample!

In the meantime this is my gift to you all this Christmas time, as a thank you for reading the randomness, for all your support in 2010 and hopefully continued support in 2011.

My alternative Christmas song.. to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland (and not for the easily offended)

Sleigh Bells ring, are you listening
Down the lane, someone's pissing
A beautiful sight, I stepped in some shite
Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Gone away is the blue bird,
But he's left us a big turd,
It's covered in ice
And doesn't smell nice
Walking in a Winter Wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Making him a hat from a sock.
Two eyes made out of black coal,
And a massive carrot for a cock!

Later on, we'll perspire,
Having nook by the fire,
We'll have lots of fun
And you'll burn your bum
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!

Merry Christmas and (as Dave Allen used to say) may your God be with you..

Friday, 17 December 2010

The One with the Tipsy Shopping Trip

I went late night Christmas shopping last night!

Myself and my lemon cake friend had been planning this trip since her birthday in the middle of November when late night shopping started!

On that occasion we were thwarted by upset tums from the boy and hubby!

The following week we went on holiday.

Then the next week we were all set to go when the snow came in great traffic grinding to a halt flurries and once again we fell at the last hurdle.

So last night, a month later than planned, we went into town, wrapped up against the cold and sleet and wind and had a potter around the shops (it was amazingly quiet) as by this time pretty much all of our Christmas shopping had been done and, snow, dusted!

Apart from the shopping we were also going for a meal and a couple of festive tipples. Well it is Christmas and this time last year I was heavily pregnant and she had a 3 month old and was breast feeding so neither of us could partake.

This year it was different!

Tipsy shopping is the best! I'd forgotten how much fun it can be.

The snow was falling but not laying and I had Italian wine central heating to keep me warm so finally I started to feel a bit festive.

Now I not saying it was a right old boozy do reminiscent of back in the day BIBAM (before I became a mum) but half a bottle of Prosecco and a shot of Limoncello, even balanced with a three course meal, makes for a very interesting hat trying on session in Debenhams!

I really fancied a new hat too to keep me warm with all this snow forecast but I was reliably informed they all looked a "bugger"! In fact at one point a particularly pointy one with an enormous bobble on the top made us both laugh so hard I snorted!

And this morning my head didn't hurt which was also a bonus.

It's still cold, but it didn't hurt.....

Friday, 10 December 2010

The One with the Time on My Moisturised Hands

You could grate cheese on my knuckles!

It's all the plunging my hands into hot water that having a baby makes you do. I'm constantly washing them, or washing up bottles, or poking about in Milton Steriliser fluid. Even using rubber gloves one way or another my hands are suffering.

So last night I went to a Body Shop party in search of Christmas presents and something to soothe my poor old palms!

There was lots to try. Fruity, floral and nut based. Each product was passed round, slathered on and sniffed enthusiastically.

While I was there the conversation turned to blogs. Another party goer has one about her photographic business and we were swapping stories and ideas, when someone else asked how I found time to write it.

This got me thinking. How do we have time to do anything? Not just because we have children but in general. How do we make the decision to find the time to do the things we do?

I guess we can never understand how anyone has the time to do something we don't do because we can't imagine fitting anything else into our day. But of course people do things we don't do each day and we do things they don't do.

When faced with the question last night I found myself making a glib and slightly defensive comment about not doing much housework, which to a certain extent is true. The boy is having a nap right now and I really ought to clean the kitchen but I'd rather do this.

And that's the key. It's a question of priorities. Some people must have a walk everyday or watch a certain TV programme or read the paper or go to the gym. Everyone's day is made up of different priorities. This is mine. It's what I'd rather do.

So what did I come away with last night?

That I shouldn't feel guilty for never ironing so I can be a writer.

Oh and hands that smelt like a fruit salad, but boy were they soft.....

Thursday, 9 December 2010

The One with the Names of All the Toys

You have the strangest conversations with your other half when you become parents!

Quite apart from chatting quite openly about nappy contents, nipple soreness and loss of bladder control a whole new topic of conversation comes into play and becomes an integral part of your everyday life.

Names of toys!

And not just toys but also names of cartoon characters, children's TV presenters and general assorted critters!

It's a whole new language that only you, as a couple, understand and somehow it makes sense.

I'll give you an example and it was at this point I knew we were lost to the joys of parenthood forever.

We have some animal finger puppets the boy loves and to amuse him, and us, we play The Apprentice with them. I know it sounds strange but bear with me caller.

I put five on one hand as the candidates and then three on the other as Nick, Karen and most importantly the main man himself, Lord Alan Sugar! The variety of animals can change depending upon what I can lay my hands on but Lord Sugar is always the rather grand and imposing tiger finger puppet that, quite frankly, looks a bit like him! As Lord "Tiger" Sugar fires each candidate the finger puppet flies off my hand and into the air inducing fits of giggles from the boy.

Are you still with me? (get some from Ikea and give it a try, it's great fun I promise).

So the boy had gone to bed and hubby was tidying away the toys for the day (all the time searching for the STFU button!). He turns to tidy the finger puppets but there's no tiger.

"Where's Alan Sugar?" he asks as I recline on the sofa.

"Just there between Barbara and Dee Li " I say pointing to where Sir Alan was snuggled between a white lamb and a pink pussy cat from Waybuloo.

And it made perfect sense. No one else would've had a clue what we were on about.

But then thinking about it that's nothing new?

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

The One with All the Toys!

My lounge looks like Toys R Us!

And that's this side of Christmas.

Lord alone knows if I'll have any floor space left in my living room come 25th December?

It's the sheer amount of kit you acquire that frightens and fascinates me in turn.

Stuffs and fluffs, plastic "tat", cups, bricks, balls and books. Things with bells and buttons and whistles galore. When they all go off together the noise is deafening. 

I hear some of them in my sleep. Either that or they are going off at night of their own volition? Scary! My friend did have a walker that had so much dribble in the keyboard that it went off on it's own after they had gone to bed!

I swear "Roll, roll, roll the ball, gently as can be. Watch it spin round and round, it's fun to play you'll see. Roll me!" will haunt me to my grave. 

The worse bit is clearing them away after the boy has gone to bed and remembering to switch them all off as you do it so they don't suddenly chime out throughout the house and wake him up!

Some of the toys have a volume control at least but what they really need at the end of a long day is a STFU (shut the f*ck up) button! 

Maybe I should suggest that to Vtech for that damn ball. I could be on to something here....

Monday, 6 December 2010

The One with the Cheaty Teas

I normally cook pretty much everything we eat from scratch. If it doesn't start with chopping an onion I don't want to know.

Don't get me wrong I'm not the food police. I'll buy things to help me, like ready made pastry, but on the whole I pride myself as a good and above all, enthusiastic cook. 

But lately (looks round nervously incase anyone's listening)... shhhhh (whispers)  I've taken to buying pre prepared things for supper!

Good quality stuff you understand, Salmon en Croute and Taste the Difference Cottage Pie. None of your microwave ready meal rubbish. But even so I can't help feeling a tea cheat.

I can make both of these quite easily. Sadly I just don't have the time to make them anymore. The afternoon nap now is either non existent or en route to or from a trip out in either car or buggy and if I start making a dinner from scratch once the boy has gone to bed we'd eat about midnight!

I did roast beef yesterday but with pre made roast potatoes and Yorkshire puds! Scandalous! I feel a fraud. I bought roast potatoes for heavens sake! I did!!! What next? ready grated cheese? 

So it's not so much ping and ding more roast without boast. I'm getting no sense of achievement out of cooking this way but it is taking a lot of stress out of meal times and with bedtime a battle again it's anything for an easy life.... 

Just, please, don't tell anyone!

Friday, 3 December 2010

The One with all the Snow

I've had 8 inches!

Now that's a rarity!

Ha,ha... ohh err missus and all that. Despite the Carry On overtones we have indeed had 8 inches here over the last two days.

Snow that is!

Looking at the news and weather forecasts we seem to have come off reasonably lightly in our little corner of the UK. Some people have copped a whole lot more!

Lucky devils!! Waa hay....

Although the lack or luck of snow depends on your point of view. When I was at work snow meant scraping the ice off the car, early starts and even later arrivals, travel chaos and having to listen to local radio instead of Sir Terry! We just haven't got the hang of it here in Britain. Lets face it last time we had major snowfall last January and February the country ran out of salt and grit! Rubbish!

So I thought, now that I'm at home and don't have to venture out, I could laugh at the world and their travel updates!

Instead I find frustration in being snowed in with an energetic and increasing frustrated baby. There's only so much crawling from one room to the other and watching CBeebies you can take before toys are, literally, thrown out of the pram!

So it would seem when it comes to weather we are never satisfied. They do say it's all the British can talk about!

I think what they mean is it's all the British can moan about!

Having said all that - pretty isn't it?

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

The One with the Play Place

The boy is standing!

He has been for a few weeks now. It all started with the crawling which itself started with a commando slide then once he'd got his knees into play he saw two of his little friends pull themselves up from kneeling and thought ,

"I'll have some of that please."

And off he went.

Now there's no stopping him. Crawl and stand. Crawl and stand. Crawl and twist back to sitting and up on the knees to kneeling and stand again.

And so it goes. All day long. If he's awake he's on the move. If either I or hubby are in lounge when he makes a beeline for the dining room we've taken to shouting out,


As a consequence the boy needs space and lots of it to fuel these new found skills. Space is not something we have in abundance in our little terraced house. So today we went to one of those play places.

It's only at the end of our road and some of the other NCT mums and babies were going too so it would be fantastic to see them all, catch up, try it out and wear him out!

So wrapped up against the snow I bundled him in the buggy and we took the 3 minute stroll down to see what it was like.

It was good. Lovely to see the girls and the babies. Illnesses and holiday has meant I've missed the last few meet ups and my how those babies change in just those weeks. Each time you see them they can do new and exciting things. They are all pretty much crawling and certainly all pulling themselves up and standing. We chatted about Christmas and impending 1st birthdays for the group, which will start mid January, and how this year has been a whirl and a wonder.

It was so good to be able to relax knowing he could move anywhere without my having to pull him away from the fireplace, TV, front door every five seconds. It's frustrating for me having to do that but what must it be like for him now he's discovered this amazing new land of movement?

It was £5.50 to get in though! Which does seem a bit steep given there is only so much he can do at this stage and most of the equipment is beyond him but hey ho! We did have the place to ourselves.

Still now I've signed up the sixth visit is free! I'll have spent £27.50 to get it but it will be free!!

Lets just hope he sleeps through tonight and then it'll definitely be worth it....