The One with the Rookie Mistake

There are times when I think I've got this motherhood lark down to a fine art and there are other times when I do something so unbelievably naive that I amaze myself!


I took the boy to Tesco. I needed gin. That makes it sound like I'm dependent upon the stuff to function in a normal day. That's not strictly true. Although today I have wanted a G&T since 4.30 this afternoon. A time that roughly coincides with my putting my shopping through the till at Tesco.


I don't often shop at Tesco's due to not agreeing with their programme of world domination and cynical marketing strategy, namely, lets force all the small shopkeepers out of business then move in and open small corner shops of our own! 


However I do occasionally pop in and as a result I'd amassed about £30 worth of clubcard points. We were nearly out of gin and Tesco had litre bottles of "Mummy's special medicine" on offer! 


For a kick off it was really, really windy and the boy insisted on sticking both legs in one side of the child seat in the trolley! Whilst trying to manoeuvre him to sit straight with one hand I was desperately trying to stop the trolley from being carried off towards the car next to me and denting it. Luckily I'd got one of small handful of parent and child parking spaces on offer so I had some wiggle room.


Once inside, looking windswept and weary before we'd even started, I remembered that Lemon Cake Boy has some cool toy cars from Tesco that my boy loves to play with when we visit. In our local store the toy aisle is just to the left as you enter and this where my naivety came in..


I went there first!


For Mega Blocks sake what was I thinking of?


"Car, car, car, CAR, CAR, CARRRRRRRRRRR!" 


"Yes darling, just calm down, Mummy is going to get you some cars."


I started to browse. I use the term loosely as you can't browse with an over excitable toddler in a shopping trolley. I couldn't find the ones I wanted quickly enough before he spotted it. I'd clocked it moments earlier, sitting on the bottom shelf, all red shiny and large.


"Nanu!" he cried "Nanu, nanu, nanu!"


It was a bloody fire engine. I have a house full of bloody fire engines and I wasn't about to buy another one. We'd come for cars and I still had all the rest of my shopping to do. 


"Nanu. Nanu. Nanu. NANU. NANUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"


People were starting to stare. The other day in the park Hubby had a rather terse conversation with a women who insisted our son had a Mork and Mindy fixation and wouldn't believe Nanu referred to the noise a fire engine makes. I was concerned a fellow shopper was going to report me to social services any moment on the grounds of neglect for subjecting my child to DVD's of old 1970's ITV shows. I can imagine it now,


"I realise darts is a pub game your honour but we watch Bullseye because it helps with his mental arithmetic."


Anyway I found the last box of four cars, down a pound to £2.50. Lovely old job as we say in these parts.


The boy was getting more and more stressed and louder and louder as I wheeled him away from the "Nanu". 


One of things about motherhood I struggle with most is you can't reason with a 17 month old. Or any month old.


"You have lots of fire engines at home darling" and "Mummy has got you some new cars sweetheart" just doesn't cut it. Neither does "Shut the &*%^ up you're being ungrateful, acting like a spoiled brat and making me look like a sh*t Mum here" 


So I didn't say any of them. I just took him down a neutral aisle like towels and bathroom accessories, offered a drink and a snack, stroked his hair and said gently "Calm down darling" over and over. To be fair I'm not normally that controlled but thanks to Hippy Chick Mum and my confidence coaching I'm getting better. It worked. The boy stopped screaming and smiled. Peace was restored.


"Right lets go and get Mummy's gin. Mummy needs gin" Boy did Mummy need gin!


It was here, buoyed with confidence that I'd handled the situation well I made naive rookie error number two.


I gave him the box of cars to hold as we went round.


What in holy mother and baby awards was I thinking now!


The boy didn't want the box. He wanted the cars! He wanted the cars out of the box.


I was bending down to get packets of baby wipes when I heard the first rip.


The boy has the strength of Samson on pro active conditioner and he'd managed to rip apart the cardboard case and pull open the plastic packaging inside. Card, plastic and cars went flying in different directions and scattered over Tescos floor. I scooped them all up whilst smiling wryly at passers by


"He's excited about his new cars!" I said through gritted teeth "Bless him!"


When we got to the till the operator looked at the tangled jumble of toy vehicles and box sailing towards her on the conveyor belt and raised an eyebrow at me,


"Yes sorry about that" I said "My little boy got over excited and wanted the cars to hold."


Silence


"I expect that happens a lot?" I asked


"No. Not really." she replied leaving me feeling like an errant school girl.


Now repeat after me one hundred times 


Don't go to the toy aisle until you've done the rest of your shopping.....

The One with the Day Off

On Sunday I went shopping with Lemon Cake Lady!


It was a rare treat for us both, a day out without small people to distract, exasperate and de-focus us.


De-focus isn't a word. I've just made it up so I just looked it up and it doesn't exist but it sums up how I feel about shopping with a toddler. The boy will sit in his buggy for about an hour tops before he wants to get out and run somewhere in a variety of different directions! I find I spend most of my time describing everything to him with as many adjectives as possible. I go into colour, texture, taste and smell to keep him amused and stimulated around a store.


This doesn't aid browsing on my part. You can't browse with a toddler. You can't deliberate over purchasing a present for someone for example. You can't weigh up price verses quality verses colour verses style. You can't try anything on. You can't think!


In short you can't focus.


You have one hand on the buggy whilst dispensing raisins out at regular intervals with the other, one eye on the keys he's holding to keep him quiet making sure they don't get flung into a clearance bin never to be seem again, and the other eye on the clock because it'll soon be time for his nap, lunch, bum change or the car park is about to go over 2 hours and you'll have to re-mortgage your house to afford it!


So the prospect of a days shopping without our boys made us both, quite frankly, giddy with excitement!


When I picked Lemon Cake Lady up she was her usual controlled and organised self, sorting out her boys requirements for the day with his grandparents. When she got in my car however she was like a women possessed! She had a proper funny five minutes of screaming, giggling, delirious delight at "having a day off"!


I knew how she felt. I was already high from my fifteen minutes of fame that morning, something that was compounded later when I went into a WH Smith's to look at the paper and saw myself smiling back. I had a copy at home but somehow seeing it in a proper news agents made it all the more real.


So as you can imagine we were like a couple of school girls on the last day of term. This was the Mum's equivalent of being allowed to wear your own clothes and bring Connect 4 into school. I had vouchers I'd been saving since my birthday in April and Lemon Cake Lady had cash on her. That makes it sound like she doesn't normally carry cash. She does. She's not like the Queen or anything it's just that since we both went back to work part time, after having our boys, having money for shopping trips has been something of a thing of the past.


We reflected on this when we stopped for pizza after the shops shut. Time was when one or other of us would've called up and said "I'm bored. Shall we go shopping?" and we would've hopped on a train and just maxed the credit cards out because we could. We had money and the freedom to just go out for the day without the military operation that is arranging child care. We took it for granted.


So maybe now that's why a day off, going out with a mate shopping and having a bite to eat is so much sweeter. Both the time and having the money to do it is hard earned and all the more rewarding for it!


And what did we buy?


Presents for our boys! What else.....

The One with a New Top!

That was the week that was! It's over let it go!

And before anyone who remembers the satirical 1960's show "That Was the Week That Was", or TW3 as it was known, thinks that dates me then I wasn't around then I've just seen repeats and have an almost obsessive love of old comedy!

So anyway I've had a tough week so I went shopping this morning with Lemon Cake Lady to cheer myself up.

This can be something of a double edged sword. Shopping can be therapeutic, exhausting and frustrating all in the same trip.

There are a few things that can help here. Set off early so you can park and there's not many people around. Have a break for a hot beverage and something sweet and sustaining (in our case Costa's chocolate twists)! Shopping after all can take it out of you. And don't expect to find anything you either like, can afford or will fit you.

Early starts are no problem now we both have children and the days of a Saturday morning lie in and not going "up the town" until lunchtime are long gone.

Having a cuppa and a cake is no hardship either and to be recommended.

So it's the last of my successful shopping trip tips that can cause the therapy to turn to angst in a single turn.

To quote today's Facebook status;

"I'm going shopping. Nothing will fit and it'll all look a bastard but I'm going anyway."

Nothing ever fits me! Lemon Cake Lady has the same problem but in reverse. She's smaller up top than she is at the bottom and I have a chest that would've graced the Carry On films but slimmer hips and legs.

We are like two isosceles triangles pointing at each other. If only we were the same sizes and handy with a sewing machine we could effectively cut and paste dresses and make whole new custom made outfits.

Unfortunately this is not the case and as a result when we go shopping together we end up bemoaning the fact that "they don't make things for real women" and have to buy shoes, bags and cosmetics instead as "they always fit".

There are exceptions to this where the boutique is so intimidating and trendy that once the staff realise I'm not in there with a teenage daughter they give me a look of such disdain that I begin to question whether the nail varnish would even fit me!

But today! Today I found a top!

Singing out to me like a siren on the rocks it beckoned from across the store and lured me to it's chiffon sleeved, spangly loveliness.

"Try me on" it called "And get your credit card out"

I tried it on!

It fitted and looked good. Even Lemon Cake Lady agreed and she doesn't mince words where my clothes are concerned. If it looks a bugger she'll tell me which is what you want. I mean I know I'm earning again but at 28 pounds a go you can't afford to mess about can you?

I got my credit card out!

I have no idea when I'll wear it and if I dunk the sleeves in Weetabix I'll never prise it off them but hey it's made me feel better and that's what counts.

I did say I wouldn't spend money straight away and carry on with a frugal lifestyle so I could save for possible leaner times in the future.

But when you're earning again and you visit the shops for the first time in a long time it's amazing how rapidly you can feel the quicksand of spending gather around your feet.

Which begs the question is the economy in recession because I was on maternity pay for a year and didn't shop?

Only time will tell.....