Tuesday, 11 December 2012

The One with All The Phone Calls From Alan

Since having the boy and working for myself, I'm at home in the daytime a whole lot more than I ever used to be, and I seem to be constantly called by someone calling himself "Alan".

I don't personally believe "Alan" is actually called "Alan". I don't know what his name is but he sure as hell doesn't sound like an "Alan" to me!

In fact whenever he calls, and it's often several times a day, he never seems to have the same voice twice yet he's always called "Alan". So the other day when he called I thought I'd just ask him, you know friendly like, are you really, really, hand on heart actually called Alan.

Alan "Hello, my name is Alan"

Me "No it's not"

Alan " Just a quick call to ask who your gas and electricity suppliers are?"

Me "You don't sound like an Alan to me"

Alan "British Gas? EON? Southern" Which one is it please?"

Me "You're not really called Alan are you?"

Alan "Could you just tell me who supplies your gas and electricity?"

Me " Gladly"

Alan "Good"

Me "If you tell me what your real name is?"

Alan "My name is Alan"

Me " No it's not"

Alan "Please can you tell me who supplies your gas and electricity?"

Me " Look Alan. May I call you Alan? You're not really called Alan are you? Not really. And until the people you work for stop insulting my intelligence and yours by making you pretend to be in England and pretend that you watch Eastenders and pretend that your name is Alan then I'm going to pretend that no one supplies my gas and electricity. I'm going to pretend that I'm self sufficient and have a generator in my basement that coverts my animal dung into electricity for me, just like Tom and Barbara Good from "The Good Life". Do you watch "The Good Life" Alan or is it just wall to wall Eastenders in your house? 

Alan "We can give you a better deal on your gas and electricity if you just tell me who your supplier is?"

Me "What if it's you Alan?"

Alan " I don't know. I'm so confused."

Me " I'm not surprised you're confused going round pretending to be Alan all day when you're not. That must be very confusing for you. Goodbye" 

Click brrrr. I hung up. 

That's the way to get rid of the uninvited "Alan's" in your life. 

Next I can't wait for Alan's mate Alan to phone and ask if I've been mis-sold PPI. 

That'll be interesting.....


  1. Now THERE'S an idea! Brilliant! I haven't noticed that they have all been called Alan, I usually put the phone down straight after the 3 second pause before they speak!

  2. I do that too if I haven't got time but sometimes I like to wind them up. Cruel I know but when the conversation doesn't run to their script it totally foxes them. Glad you liked the post and thanks for the follow on Twitter. have a lovely Christmas and New Year.