The rampant seagulls are still terrorising the car park at work. The baby gull is now born and extremely cute but this means Brian and Sharon have now recruited helpers to guard all entrances, exits and security camera posts. It's literally excess no areas. As a result I'm parking further up the road.
But yesterday the main drain backed up and all our toilets in the office started to overflow. They were out of order for most of the day so the only option was to go across to our other office, which is situated at the edge of the car park, and use theirs.
This meant crossing quite a busy road and braving Brian and co!
I am acutely aware that calling the birds Brian and Co makes them sound like 70's dance sensation Legs and Co from Tops of the Pops. To be fair they probably have the same amount of grace, charm and co-ordination. I'm sure at some point Legs and Co dressed up as birds for one of their numbers, no doubt for a track by Wings!
The only thing that seems to deter Brian and Co is waving an open umbrella in the air. Someone has taken to attaching a stone to the end of their tie and swinging it over their head Tarzan style but that does seem a trifle extreme.
So off we trotted, like girls always do when going to the loo, in gangs of three, holding our umbrellas aloft in the bright sunshine just to go and pee.
What on earth the assorted vans drivers and motorists made of this spectacle is beyond me!
Needless to say fluid consumption was down in the afternoon as frankly neither I, Ken nor Byron could be arsed to keep taking a ten minute round trip to tiddle.
Even though I was gasping I turned down several offers of a cup of tea.
It's bad enough with all the paraphernalia that ladies have to take to the loo sometimes without having to bring a brolly as well!
Showing posts with label seagulls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seagulls. Show all posts
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Thursday, 30 June 2011
The One with the Tin Foil Codpiece, the Seagulls and the Strapless Top
Since the weekend life has been full of bizarre health and safety issues!
On Saturday we visited the boy's godfather and his family for their annual Summer BBQ. The Godfather (as he likes to be known) was wielding the tongs as all men do at BBQ time but, whilst chatting to his wife in the kitchen, I was surprised to see him come into the house, rip off a large (he'll thank me for the large reference - you'll see why in a moment) piece of tin foil and stuff it down his pants to fashion an aluminium codpiece.
"I always burn me nuts when I BBQ!" he declared casually and went back out into the garden.
Resourceful, inventive and very very funny. I knew there was a reason we picked him to help us bring up the boy!
The second incident happened yesterday at work. Well whilst leaving work. We have a long running issue with nesting seagulls in our car park. Brian and Sharon, as they have been named, are now the proud parents of a hatched egg and boy do all the staff know about it.
Brian, in particular, is a proud Dad and if anyone parks near his fledgling family or even walks past he swoops, screeches and shits on you in turn. Several staff members have been attacked with varying degrees of hilarity and distress and the situation is now so bad that we've taken to putting umbrellas up in the blazing sunshine to keep the birds at bay.
Last night I thought I'd got it sussed. I parked at the far end, well away from the birds home and recent nest and walked to my car along the adjacent road, only entering down at the bottom where the cars actually exit. No problems, I'm no threat to him down there, easy.
No!
Brian was watching me all the time I strolled back to my car. He spied me through the bushes and peeped at me through the trees. He was on to me. The moment I entered that car park he swivelled round and swooped towards me with deafening squawks.
I ducked. I ran. I shouted. I swear a little wee came out.
When I got to my car I was laughing so hard I text Ken and Barbie, who have also been attacked!
"Bloody Brian's just had a go at me!" I wrote.
They peed themselves too! Laughing at me!
As the birds are protected under the wildlife and countryside act there's nothing the company can do other than offer advice and issue a health and safety accident form for us to fill in about our "near miss",
"What do you think might have happened if the bird had attacked you?"
Ken wanted to write, "I may have been decapitated" but wasn't sure that would've been appreciated!
The last of the randomness was also last night at Zumba.
Once we got into the hall, Byron and I spotted a Rubenesque lady of ample proportions (and that's me saying this) in a strapless top!
A strapless top for gods sake! For a Zumba class! For any exercise class! I know it was a hot night but have a bit of common love! Firstly they don't do strapless sports bras and secondly she obviously had no idea how much jumping around you do!
Byron and I cast glances backwards at the girl. Should we tell her she's in for a bumpy ride? Or should we keep quiet and wait for the fall out (quite literally)? What do you think we did? We kept mum didn't we! This was comedy gold. And lets face it she was there now, she'd paid her four quid and she'd soon work it out. There was nothing we could do to save her now.
The music started. It's pulsating Latin beats rang around the sports hall. We launched into the warm up. That was all she needed to know. She survived the rest of the class in tact by virtue of the fact she hardly moved. She sort of swayed half heartily whilst looked red and confused and hitching her top up every five seconds. It was less of a work out more of an endurance test. The top won and she was rendered still. Even the stretches in the cool down evaded her. She won't be doing that again in a hurry.
So all in all it's been a strange and random few days, but what links all these things is birds.
A tin foil budgie smuggler, angry seagulls and a pair of tits on the loose!
On Saturday we visited the boy's godfather and his family for their annual Summer BBQ. The Godfather (as he likes to be known) was wielding the tongs as all men do at BBQ time but, whilst chatting to his wife in the kitchen, I was surprised to see him come into the house, rip off a large (he'll thank me for the large reference - you'll see why in a moment) piece of tin foil and stuff it down his pants to fashion an aluminium codpiece.
"I always burn me nuts when I BBQ!" he declared casually and went back out into the garden.
Resourceful, inventive and very very funny. I knew there was a reason we picked him to help us bring up the boy!
The second incident happened yesterday at work. Well whilst leaving work. We have a long running issue with nesting seagulls in our car park. Brian and Sharon, as they have been named, are now the proud parents of a hatched egg and boy do all the staff know about it.
Brian, in particular, is a proud Dad and if anyone parks near his fledgling family or even walks past he swoops, screeches and shits on you in turn. Several staff members have been attacked with varying degrees of hilarity and distress and the situation is now so bad that we've taken to putting umbrellas up in the blazing sunshine to keep the birds at bay.
Last night I thought I'd got it sussed. I parked at the far end, well away from the birds home and recent nest and walked to my car along the adjacent road, only entering down at the bottom where the cars actually exit. No problems, I'm no threat to him down there, easy.
No!
Brian was watching me all the time I strolled back to my car. He spied me through the bushes and peeped at me through the trees. He was on to me. The moment I entered that car park he swivelled round and swooped towards me with deafening squawks.
I ducked. I ran. I shouted. I swear a little wee came out.
When I got to my car I was laughing so hard I text Ken and Barbie, who have also been attacked!
"Bloody Brian's just had a go at me!" I wrote.
They peed themselves too! Laughing at me!
As the birds are protected under the wildlife and countryside act there's nothing the company can do other than offer advice and issue a health and safety accident form for us to fill in about our "near miss",
"What do you think might have happened if the bird had attacked you?"
Ken wanted to write, "I may have been decapitated" but wasn't sure that would've been appreciated!
The last of the randomness was also last night at Zumba.
Once we got into the hall, Byron and I spotted a Rubenesque lady of ample proportions (and that's me saying this) in a strapless top!
A strapless top for gods sake! For a Zumba class! For any exercise class! I know it was a hot night but have a bit of common love! Firstly they don't do strapless sports bras and secondly she obviously had no idea how much jumping around you do!
Byron and I cast glances backwards at the girl. Should we tell her she's in for a bumpy ride? Or should we keep quiet and wait for the fall out (quite literally)? What do you think we did? We kept mum didn't we! This was comedy gold. And lets face it she was there now, she'd paid her four quid and she'd soon work it out. There was nothing we could do to save her now.
The music started. It's pulsating Latin beats rang around the sports hall. We launched into the warm up. That was all she needed to know. She survived the rest of the class in tact by virtue of the fact she hardly moved. She sort of swayed half heartily whilst looked red and confused and hitching her top up every five seconds. It was less of a work out more of an endurance test. The top won and she was rendered still. Even the stretches in the cool down evaded her. She won't be doing that again in a hurry.
So all in all it's been a strange and random few days, but what links all these things is birds.
A tin foil budgie smuggler, angry seagulls and a pair of tits on the loose!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)