The One with the Tin Foil Codpiece, the Seagulls and the Strapless Top

Since the weekend life has been full of bizarre health and safety issues!


On Saturday we visited the boy's godfather and his family for their annual Summer BBQ. The Godfather (as he likes to be known) was wielding the tongs as all men do at BBQ time but, whilst chatting to his wife in the kitchen, I was surprised to see him come into the house, rip off a large (he'll thank me for the large reference - you'll see why in a moment) piece of tin foil and stuff it down his pants to fashion an aluminium codpiece.


"I always burn me nuts when I BBQ!" he declared casually and went back out into the garden.


Resourceful, inventive and very very funny. I knew there was a reason we picked him to help us bring up the boy!


The second incident happened yesterday at work. Well whilst leaving work. We have a long running issue with nesting seagulls in our car park. Brian and Sharon, as they have been named, are now the proud parents of a hatched egg and boy do all the staff know about it.


Brian, in particular, is a proud Dad and if anyone parks near his fledgling family or even walks past he swoops, screeches and shits on you in turn. Several staff members have been attacked with varying degrees of hilarity and distress and the situation is now so bad that we've taken to putting umbrellas up in the blazing sunshine to keep the birds at bay.


Last night I thought I'd got it sussed. I parked at the far end, well away from the birds home and recent nest and walked to my car along the adjacent road, only entering down at the bottom where the cars actually exit. No problems, I'm no threat to him down there, easy.


No!


Brian was watching me all the time I strolled back to my car. He spied me through the bushes and peeped at me through the trees. He was on to me. The moment I entered that car park he swivelled round and swooped towards me with deafening squawks.


I ducked. I ran. I shouted. I swear a little wee came out.


When I got to my car I was laughing so hard I text Ken and Barbie, who have also been attacked!


"Bloody Brian's just had a go at me!" I wrote.


They peed themselves too! Laughing at me!


As the birds are protected under the wildlife and countryside act there's nothing the company can do other than offer advice and issue a health and safety accident form for us to fill in about our "near miss",


"What do you think might have happened if the bird had attacked you?"


Ken wanted to write, "I may have been decapitated" but wasn't sure that would've been appreciated!


The last of the randomness was also last night at Zumba.


Once we got into the hall, Byron and I spotted a Rubenesque lady of ample proportions (and that's me saying this) in a strapless top!


A strapless top for gods sake! For a Zumba class!  For any exercise class! I know it was a hot night but have a bit of common love! Firstly they don't do strapless sports bras and secondly she obviously had no idea how much jumping around you do!


Byron and I cast glances backwards at the girl. Should we tell her she's in for a bumpy ride? Or should we keep quiet and wait for the fall out (quite literally)? What do you think we did? We kept mum didn't we! This was comedy gold. And lets face it she was there now, she'd paid her four quid and she'd soon work it out. There was nothing we could do to save her now.


The music started. It's pulsating Latin beats rang around the sports hall. We launched into the warm up. That was all she needed to know. She survived the rest of the class in tact by virtue of the fact she hardly moved. She sort of swayed half heartily whilst looked red and confused and hitching her top up every five seconds. It was less of a work out more of an endurance test. The top won and she was rendered still. Even the stretches in the cool down evaded her. She won't be doing that again in a hurry.


So all in all it's been a strange and random few days, but what links all these things is birds.


A tin foil budgie smuggler, angry seagulls and a pair of tits on the loose!