The One with the Inner Team

On Friday I went with Hippy Chick and Vixen to a "Meet your Inner Team" workshop!

Having had several sessions of confidence coaching with Hippy Chick and attending one of her workshops I felt intrigued and happy enough to go along and experience someone else's coaching style.

The evening was all about finding the characters in your head and helping them all work with each other in harmony rather than conflict.

As Hubby remarked "There's alot of people in your head so best of luck to them!"

It started off with the usual going round the room and everyone introducing themselves. We also had to say what conflict we had in our lives that we wanted our inner team to work towards solving.

After that the course leaders spoke a little about what the evening would entail and the theory and basis behind this type of coaching, I'd once acted in a play with one of them and he knew alot of people I did. I couldn't quite decide whether that made me feel uncomfortable with sharing my troubles or not but before I had chance to decide we were on to the next part.

It had not gone unnoticed that in the middle of the room, on a low coffee table, were a vast array of assorted teddy bears and cuddly toys. It soon became apparent what these were there for! 


We were told that we were going to physically move to the corner of the room and think about the facet of our personality where we are self critical and negative. We had to choose a soft toy from the selection that symbolised those feelings to us and take it with us. We had to remember a time when we felt these emotions and how it made us feel.

To give this member of our inner team a name the course leaders referred to it as Fox!

We then had to do the same again in another corner with another fluffy toy but thinking about our creative, playful side where the sky's the limit. This person was known as Rabbit.

Finally we went to another corner, took another critter with us and met the person they called Bear. He or she is resourceful, practical and gets things done.

We made notes, we closed our eyes and felt the moment and we connected to the cuddly toy!

No, really, we did!

Once we'd worked out how our Fox, Rabbit and Bear did, or more to the point didn't get on with each other, we went round again, this time thinking about these characters in relation to our individual dilemma. 

Now I discovered that my Fox makes me worry about my skills as a mother but that's ok because Bear can step in and be all useful and practical and just tell me to get on with it. Only he doesn't. he's too busy trying to get Rabbit to get off his arse and do something.


My Rabbit is very prominent  but doesn't work as well in conjunction with my Bear because I have a fourth character Monkey who distracts them.


Monkey is mischievous. Monkey wants to muck about. He has none of Rabbits creative flair, nor Bears get up and go! Monkey literally wants to live just for pleasure and leisure!


Have I lost you yet? 


So in conclusion what did I learn.


Fox thinks I'm a terrible mother because I'm not serious enough with the boy and I want to be his best mate all the time.


Bear would step in and sort it out but he's too busy trying to motivate Rabbit who he knows is talented but is too easily led.


Rabbit has loads of great ideas, sensitive feelings and an artistic, sensitive temperament but no drive. 


Monkey is cheeky, lazy and leads Rabbit astray.


Sometimes Bear just gives up and all three of them go off up the park with a bottle of Diamond White and 20 Marlborough Lights when they really should be doing their homework.


Fox thinks they're all useless tossers and tries to keep them in for detention.


My head is full of fluffy animals running round.


No wonder I can't hear myself think most days.


I explained all this to hubby when I got home. He looked bemused.


"And you paid 8 quid for someone to tell you all that" he sighed "Well to use the animal analogy what a load of old pony!"


Fox snarled and got grumpy. Bear shrugged and made another list of jobs to do. Rabbit felt a bit hurt and would probably write a poem about his feelings later.


Monkey said "Sod you then!" and went up the pub for a game of snooker and a pint.


I rather like my animals. Especially that naughty Monkey..... 

The One Where I Try to Let Go

Today I saw Hippy Chick!


She is not only a dear friend but my confidence coach. 


I'd had the session booked in the diary for a few weeks which I was glad of as it was sorely needed.


Since my post yesterday I've had lovely messages on here, on facebook, e-mails and texts. Friends, family, former colleagues and the blogging community are always so supportive when I am down. I thank you all. You made me smile and brought tears to my eyes. 


It was cathartic just writing it all down to be honest and in an ironic twist the boy has been a delight since my blogging moan. He woke from his nap, ate all his lunch, played nicely with his friend and went to bed like a dream. No dramas. No screaming. He was a good boy for Nanny P today and generally a delight again. Little bugger. It's like he knows Mummy had a bloody good moan!


So last night before my confidence session today I questioned why I was struggling so much. Was it the boy? Was it just because he was being "challenging"? I do so love Hippy Chick's use of the expression "challenging" - it's inner confidence coaching speak for "being a sod"!


And you know what, it isn't just that. Of course he's being challenging, he 18 months old. He's always been full on in terms of energy and emotions. That's my boy. No one knows that better than me. No one knows him like his mum.


No, what had happened was, I wasn't coping with the boy because my head was still full of resentment and anger about my redundancy. It was like wading through soup. Horrible thick pea and ham soup. I couldn't think straight or focus because of all the pent up emotion.


So today I got rid of it all.


I talked and talked and told Hippy Chick every last horrible, vile detail of the mess that was my redundancy "process"! How I was made to feel stupid and incompetent and a worthless number after 13 and a half years. How I'm drinking too much and eating too much and screwed up inside with regret and bitterness. How I miss my friends, my colleagues, my desk, my place, my job!


I can't believe I'm saying this after all the years of moaning but I miss my job. That's why I felt so lost. All at sea! And that's irony in itself! 


So Hippy Chick got me to put all that emotion in a big ball in front of me. I could see it. I could feel it. It was enormous. It had no colour, it was grey, dull, like a ball of faded elastic bands that had been knocking about the office for years. No one used them. They were redundant. 


I looked at the imaginary ball and sobbed my heart out. I wish I'd said more. I wish I'd done more. I wish I'd fought it. I felt a failure. I'd lost my job. I was weak. I'd walked away. I'd been beaten down and defeated. I'd been trampled over. Every last bitter tear feel into that ball.


Then I took a deep breath and threw it away.


I tossed it over my head and left it in the past. Where it belongs.


I felt cleansed.


Hippy Chick suggested that when more feelings surfaced that I do the same again at home.


I've already had a quick toss this evening. 


Very apt for getting rid of something created in the first place by a bunch of tossers!

The One with the Inner Confidence - part 1

This afternoon I'm going for a session of confidence coaching.

Don't laugh! Honestly, behind this random exterior I'm not very confident.

I used to be, a long time ago, but life and motherhood has knocked it out of me. So a good friend, who is a professional confidence coach and specialises in working with women, is giving me a taster of what she can do whilst trying out some new techniques and exercises she's recently learnt.

I'm actually very excited about finding out what's inside me (apart from two bits of cake and four cups of tea)!

There's a lot talked about journey's, especially in the popular media. You can't switch on ITV without someone in tears talking about their journey, usually from everyday life straight into instant fame and back to obscurity again but not before they're gone via "I'm a Celebrity (no you're not) Get Me Out of Here" as one last ditch attempt at getting back into the public eye!

Motherhood is a proper journey, not a Simon Cowell singing contest, but it's sometimes a lonely one. Don't get me wrong you all know I love being at home with the boy but on rainy days when you're stuck indoors and all your friends are at work, with nothing but a 1 year old and CBeebies for company you can do one of two things, either go out of your mind or start to retreat back into yourself and lose the will to go out and do things for you. You don't bother putting on make up, you wear clothes but they don't match they'll just "do", after all they're only going to get dirty anyway, it's lunchtime before you realise you haven't cleaned your teeth. It's a downward spiral of "as long as the boy is clean, happy, fed and in co-ordinating clothes with matching socks" it doesn't matter about me.

But it does!

As the boy gets older I'm noticing he is much more aware of my moods. If I'm down or cry he looks worried and concerned. If I laugh, he laughs. We can't underestimate the effect a mother has on her child. If he grows up to see a Mum who isn't confident, who doesn't care about her appearance, who forgets to eat then stuffs herself with cake because it's past lunchtime now and she's starving but only has two minutes then he'll grow up not appreciating a women's worth to society, to family and mostly to herself.

So I'm doing something about it.

And you know, just making that decision has given me more confidence already. So much so I've got lipstick on!

The session is at 3pm today. I'll keep you posted......