The One Where I Try to Let Go

Today I saw Hippy Chick!


She is not only a dear friend but my confidence coach. 


I'd had the session booked in the diary for a few weeks which I was glad of as it was sorely needed.


Since my post yesterday I've had lovely messages on here, on facebook, e-mails and texts. Friends, family, former colleagues and the blogging community are always so supportive when I am down. I thank you all. You made me smile and brought tears to my eyes. 


It was cathartic just writing it all down to be honest and in an ironic twist the boy has been a delight since my blogging moan. He woke from his nap, ate all his lunch, played nicely with his friend and went to bed like a dream. No dramas. No screaming. He was a good boy for Nanny P today and generally a delight again. Little bugger. It's like he knows Mummy had a bloody good moan!


So last night before my confidence session today I questioned why I was struggling so much. Was it the boy? Was it just because he was being "challenging"? I do so love Hippy Chick's use of the expression "challenging" - it's inner confidence coaching speak for "being a sod"!


And you know what, it isn't just that. Of course he's being challenging, he 18 months old. He's always been full on in terms of energy and emotions. That's my boy. No one knows that better than me. No one knows him like his mum.


No, what had happened was, I wasn't coping with the boy because my head was still full of resentment and anger about my redundancy. It was like wading through soup. Horrible thick pea and ham soup. I couldn't think straight or focus because of all the pent up emotion.


So today I got rid of it all.


I talked and talked and told Hippy Chick every last horrible, vile detail of the mess that was my redundancy "process"! How I was made to feel stupid and incompetent and a worthless number after 13 and a half years. How I'm drinking too much and eating too much and screwed up inside with regret and bitterness. How I miss my friends, my colleagues, my desk, my place, my job!


I can't believe I'm saying this after all the years of moaning but I miss my job. That's why I felt so lost. All at sea! And that's irony in itself! 


So Hippy Chick got me to put all that emotion in a big ball in front of me. I could see it. I could feel it. It was enormous. It had no colour, it was grey, dull, like a ball of faded elastic bands that had been knocking about the office for years. No one used them. They were redundant. 


I looked at the imaginary ball and sobbed my heart out. I wish I'd said more. I wish I'd done more. I wish I'd fought it. I felt a failure. I'd lost my job. I was weak. I'd walked away. I'd been beaten down and defeated. I'd been trampled over. Every last bitter tear feel into that ball.


Then I took a deep breath and threw it away.


I tossed it over my head and left it in the past. Where it belongs.


I felt cleansed.


Hippy Chick suggested that when more feelings surfaced that I do the same again at home.


I've already had a quick toss this evening. 


Very apt for getting rid of something created in the first place by a bunch of tossers!